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Beware of birthday gift disasters from A to Z

My birthday is on the way. Hey, if you’re breathing, then yours is too. Maybe it’s time for a warning on potential gifts. Sure, it’s the thought that counts. I’m always touched when people actually remember my birthday. I’m truly grateful to be loved.

Having said that, here are the worst gifts I ever received, from A to Z. Honestly, people gave me this stuff.

Anything from Hot Topic. What am I, Goth Mom?

Bird claw. My brother hunts. He dried the claw, drilled a hole through the stump and made me a key ring. Eek! I about jumped out of my chair when I opened that thing.

Cupid socks. My birthday is in the fall. Bet someone scored a real deal on those sappy socks.

Dishwashing soap. Slick move, Ace.

Electric toothbrush. Is there a message here?

Frog kit. Why would I wanna grow my own frog?

Glitter art kit: Ever tried to vacuum up glitter?

Halloween decorations. Pretty sure those aren’t so useful for a birthday occurring outside of October.

Ice cream maker. Who’s gonna churn it?

Jumprope. I have enough bouncing parts without that sort of help.

Kite. What am I, 12? “Go fly a kite.” Um, OK.

Lava lamp. Is someone trying to give me 60’s flashbacks?

Musical duck. Wait. Last year’s singing bass wasn’t bad enough?

Nose-hair trimmers. Even Grandpa wouldn’t take ‘em.

Owl (plastic). What a hoot. (Sorry.) Who-o-oo knew?

Pink leggings (for a grown woman). Who do they think I am, Miss Piggy?

Quilted potholders. Get real.

Recipes. So who’s doing the cooking on my birthday?

Spider. OK, it was rubber, but it still creeped me out!

Thighmaster. Was this a not-so-subtle hint, or what?

Used stuff. I could list countless examples of pre-driven merchandise here. Do people really think we can’t tell the difference?

Vacuum cleaner. OK, it’s useful. But as a birthday gift, it sorta sucks.

Wicked widgets. An electric chocolate fountain, s’mores maker, pasta-puller, and fajita machine are space-takers and not my idea of fun.

eXtravagant regifting. Certain family members (who happen to be schoolteachers) tend to overfill gift bags with oddly assorted items that clearly came from their students. We’re talking apple ornaments, dollar-store bath items, hokey notepapers, cutesy socks, and more.

Yachting magazine. Each issue had pretty pictures, but I don’t think a schooner and sailing lessons were included in the gift. If so, those items clearly haven’t shipped yet.

Zilch. Yep, believe it or not, some people never remember. Not even a card. Oh, well. At least I don’t have to come up with clever ways to compliment scary, strange, inappropriate, or inane presents that may have missed the mark a bit. Maybe it’s OK they forgot. Gee, did I miss their birthdays too?

Again, it’s lovely to be remembered. But some poky presents merit making us a little merry, simply for their misfirings.

Adapted from public domain artwork

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