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Scary Santa masks to make kids' teeth chatter

Santa Claus is coming to town, and you’d better watch out.

The jolly old elf in the fuzzy red suit tickles children’s fancies each Christmas season, with his happy “Ho-ho-ho” and his cheery “Merry Christmas to all” chortles. 

This year, however, festive folks may find St. Nicholas considerably more fearsome.

A bunch of frightful faces are appearing all over, so it’s growing harder than ever to pick out the real Kris Kringle. Merry mayhem may ensue, as folks sport these disguises.

Maybe Halloween isn’t really over this year, after all.

Scary Santa unmasked.

First, let’s take a look at the genuine guy.

He’s a strange man from a mysterious place, located far away that cannot be placed on any verifiable world map, past or present. His secret workshop cannot even be GPSed.

He knows if kids have been naughty or nice, and he’s keeping this data on a long list.

And on Christmas Eve, he’ll fly all over the world in a stealth-like sleigh (pulled by a Comet and a Vixen) and sneak into homes everywhere to leave all sorts of unexpected packages behind.

Blame it on the reindeer? Not on your life.


Quick! Somebody call Homeland Security!

OK, the real Santa may seem somewhat suspicious, or he may be simply simpatico. Who knows?  After all, he’s St. Nick.

Who’s gonna question a guy that gives out free stuff?

Gee, did anyone ever realize that stuff is not really free, after all? Uh-oh, this is almost sounding a bit political.

We have to wonder. 

Will Santa’s sleigh fly right over the frightful fiscal cliff on New Year’s? Perhaps it will be parked at the North Pole, while the red-cheeked fellow enjoys his long winter’s nap.

Either way, the elves in the workshop will keep punching in, as long as they have jobs.

Take a look at these not-so-merry masks for Father Christmas.

These Santa masks may give holiday celebrants something to dread, after all.

Don’t worry, kids. These are merely masks. Santa’s not really so scary.

Or is he?

PC Santa


Oh, Santa! Lust Insulated Pants for Men and Women?

What’s the hottest item on your Christmas list this year? Ask a winter gear retailer, and you might hear about Lust Insulated Pants.

Whoa! What’s that? Lust Insulated Pants?

That’s right. You can find these crazy clothes at such outfitters as, Christy Sports, DogFunk,, REI, Summit Online, and others.

Available in flashy plaids for men and women, Lust Insulated Pants retail for approximately $100-$200, depending on special sale offers. The ads claim the breathable synthetic pants have articulated knees.

It appears Lust Insulated Pants are for snowboarding, but we have to wonder.

This fashion-forward (or is it?) item raises all sorts of intriguing questions. Some of the ads call them "Reserved Lust," but we've never known lust to be reserved, so our ponderings are plentiful.

  • Do these high-tech trousers keep prurient passions in, or do they fend them off? (Gotta wonder.)
  • Are they insulated with lust, or from lust? (Heaven, help us.)
  • How do Lust Insulated Pants even work? (Pass the brain bleach.)
  • Do these carnal clothes keep wearers’ libido in check? (Don’t wanna know.)
  • Where do the manufacturers even procure the lust with which they insulate their pants? (Hold that thought.)
  • Do Lust Insulated Pants stop salaciousness in its tracks by their fabric contents, their bulky appearance, or is the secret something else altogether?  (Don’t answer that, either.)
  • Could Lust Insulated Pants act as a sort of tin foil hat for the lower regions – or perhaps like the chastity belt of olden times? (C’mon, that’s an obvious puzzle for anyone.)
  • Against what sorts of mishaps are Lust Insulated Pants warranted for one year? (Yep, you guessed it. Don’t answer that one, either.)
  • Should we buy these sporty slacks for our daughters this holiday season, or for their boyfriends? (This one, we've gotta know.)
  • Whatever happened to the good, old-fashioned union suit? (Hey, if it's good enough for Santa...) 
We’ve got your number, Lust Insulated Pants.

Intriguingly, the product number reads 686. Hey, folks, is that a typo? Shouldn’t it be 666?

Who has a hankering for a pair of Lust Insulated Pants this Christmas?

Lust Insulated Pants
Product Promotion Photos
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Is Thanksgiving dessert really as easy as pie?

What are you taking to Thanksgiving dinner this year?

My sister-in-law was kind enough to invite us to her home for the great turkey feast. She’s making the big bird, along with the gravy and lots of the fixings.

Not surprisingly, she has found herself with her finger in plenty of proverbial pies, as far as the family gathering is concerned. I was more than happy to volunteer to bring a few dishes.

“Anything, really,” I said.

Before I knew it, someone (a crusty old fellow, who shall remain nameless, but tends to be the dessert hound in our house) volunteered me to take home-baked fruit pies for Thanksgiving.

Who wants a slice of the pie?

Generally, I’m pretty game in the kitchen, but I must confess a little secret here.  

I’ve dabbled in plenty of desserts. I’ve made countless cakes, cookies, crepes, crisps, and other sweet concoctions. I’ve produced tarts and tortes, pastries and puddings. I’ve practically perfected the perennial pumpkin pie, as well as fabulous French silk, Peanut Butter Cup, and Guinness Lucky Irish pies.

But I’ve never made a fruit pie.

Nope. I’ve never produced an apple, blueberry, cherry, peach, or any other sort of fruit pie.

I don’t know do – re – mi about how to make a fruit pie.

Our Thanksgiving hostess is an all-American apple pie-making champ.

My sister-in-law is part of the pie-making upper crust. She won a blue ribbon for her one-of-a-kind apple pie at the Wisconsin State Fair, many years ago.

And it’s a beauty. Each slice stands about four inches high and contains at least two apples’ worth of tangy fresh fruit. The crust is light and crunchy and sculpted like an art museum artifact.

That sort of rules out the frozen pie-crust or pie-crust-in-a-box option for me, don’t ya think?

I’d have to be a little pie-eyed even to try my hand at this game. Don’t agree? Shut your pie-holes, naysayers.

Simple Simon met a pie-man, going to the fair. Sure, we all have. Visit any state or county fair, and you may even find pie-on-a-stick. But this fruit pie-making project sort of shakes me to my core and puts me in the pits.

Marie Callendar and Sara Lee, hold it right there.

I know you ladies have lovely frozen pies of every flavor. But that would be cheating. These pies have to be from scratch, with crusts rolled out by hand and fresh-grown fruit. I wonder if creating those woven lattice pie crust tops is anything like doing a braid weave on a horse's mane.

I've got this one. I can do it! How hard can it be?

No, wait.

If I even take a stab at fruit pie-making for the family Thanksgiving, I’ll probably find myself having a rather interesting dessert of my own. You got it: humble pie.

Still, there’s more than one way to skin an apple … or a peach … or any other fruit.

I’m thinkin’ cobbler. Who’s with me on this one?

Apple Pie A-B-C – Vintage Artwork
Public Domain/Wikipedia Commons

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